Breaking the Negative Cycle When Love Feels Like a Loop

Despite the longing for a deeply fulfilling relationship, many of us find ourselves wondering—days, months, or even years in—What did I actually sign up for?

We get caught in familiar loops: miscommunications that never quite resolve, emotional patterns that feel impossible to break, mismatched desires for closeness, sex and space. It can feel like no matter how much love there is, something keeps pulling you apart.

And when we’re stuck in these cycles, doubt creeps in:

Should we even be together? Will my needs ever be met? Is something wrong with me?

I'm here to remind you: the cycle you’re in is not your fault. It doesn’t mean your relationship is broken, and it certainly doesn’t mean that you are.

Why We Get Stuck

The more someone matters to you, the more they touch your deepest vulnerabilities—and your protective tendencies. And we often feel attracted to people who are different from us. This means that our way of being in connection, also know as our attachment style, might clash with our partners'.

This is what we call in emotionally focused couples therapy a negative cycle. One of the most common cycles is that of pursue/withdraw — the more one partner pursues connection, the more the other withdraws, and around and around it goes.

(Read more about attachment styles and how they interact).

At the core of it all, both partners long to feel connected, accepted and safe.

But when these protective patterns collide, the very thing you long for—reassurance, closeness, space, acceptance—can start slipping through your fingers. Your partner begins to feel like a threat instead of a safe haven. The cycle takes over, leaving you feeling trapped, unseen, or misunderstood.

The Root of Most Relationship Struggles

Beneath nearly every conflict are two core fears:

Am I too much for you? 

In other words: Do I truly matter? Will you stay with me even when things are difficult?

OR

Am I enough for you?

In other words: Do you accept me as I am? Can I be myself without letting you down?

See if you recognize yourself, or your partner, in these questions.

Some cycles are strong and obvious, others are subtle and quiet. But all of them pull you apart and leave you alone with your hurt.

And yet—here’s the surprising part:

The cycle is here to help you heal.

It’s showing you unfinished business from your past. Your edges, your tender spots, your strengths, your limits. It’s calling you to grow, to soften, and to learn to love in new ways.

How to Break the Cycle

Identify the Pattern – Notice when the negative cycle kicks in. What are each of your triggers? How do you each react? What are you hoping for? Awareness is the first step in untangling the pattern. The more you understand the hidden longings and fears underneath the protective tendencies, the more you can break the cycle.

Shift the Perspective – Even when it doesn’t seem like it, both of you are hurting and seeking safety in different ways. Protective behaviors—whether pushing, shutting down, or criticizing—are attempts to guard against vulnerability, not to push each other away. Seeing this can shift your response from defensiveness to compassion.

Name the Loop – When you sense you’re caught in it, simply name it:"I think we’re getting stuck in our pattern, and I don’t want to escalate this."Or: "I love you, and I think we got off track—let’s start over." This small act can de-escalate tension and bring you back to a calmer place.

Try a New Move – This is where change happens. If you usually demand closeness, try softening and giving your partner some time to cool down. If you usually pull away, try staying a little longer. Small shifts break the cycle. Often, support is needed at this stage to create entirely new, positive cycles of sharing, understanding and connection.

Self-Soothe When Needed – When emotions run high and regulation with each other isn’t possible, take a step back and soothe yourself. This can be extra challenging for those with anxious attachment, who prefer co-regulating and struggle to take this space. Calling a friend, going to coaching or therapy, going for a walk, moving your body—do what helps you feel less alone in your distress. A regulated nervous system creates space for reconnection with your partner, and you may need other people and new resources to support you in this.

Love Beyond the Loop

These cycles feel like barriers, but they’re actually bridges. They reveal where love is needed most—not just for each other, but for yourself.

When you learn to recognize the loop and choose a new way forward, you create something different. This is the first and hardest step, and it's worth celebrating.

If you feel you want to explore this further, 1:1 or as a couple, I invite you to read more here about how somatic sex & relationship coaching might support you in creating new cycles of connection and love.