From Stagnation to Erotic Flow

Over time, many couples experience that sex doesn't really feel exciting, connected or pleasurable as it used to. They may miss the days when desire and chemistry just flowed.

The truth is, it's natural for your sexual relationship to rise and fall; it won't always be a wild river, sometimes, it will feel like a quiet stream. But there is actually so much you can do to keep your erotic, intimate life flowing through different life phases, and it's crazy that no one teaches us how to do this!

In my years of working with couples, I’ve seen that the biggest blocks to erotic fulfillment are not fixed issues, but often dynamic, relational ones. The most common barriers to great sex I've seen are rooted in shame communicating about sex, unspoken myths about how sex “should” happen, and simply not knowing how to create the kind of great sexual experiences that make both partners want more of them.

The good news? With awareness, intention, and practice, you can break free from these patterns and create a sex life that feels nourishing, exciting, and deeply connected—at any stage and any age.

Here’s a few tips to build the groundwork for your energy to flow.

1. Let Go of the Numbers Game

It’s easy to compare—how often you “should” be having sex, how long it “should” last, whether you’re orgasming enough. Many couples do this.

But your bodies are not spreadsheets.

Rather than measuring frequency or chasing an ideal, shift your attention to how you want to feel during sex. What brings you pleasure? What makes you feel most alive in intimacy? Let go of external expectations and tune into what’s already present.

2. Get busy Sexploring

"Sexploration" means giving yourself permission to try new things, make mistakes, and experience moments of awkwardness along the way. Prioritize this in your life! It takes time, and it is so worth it.

Sensuality thrives when there’s space to explore without pressure. A sense of humor, playfulness, and a willingness to learn together will take you further than any technique ever could.

3. Go Beyond Standard Sex Advice

When couples want to improve their sex life, they often turn to the same solutions: new positions, toys, lingerie, or romantic evenings. While these can add excitement, they don’t create sustained erotic fulfillment on their own.

Why? Because accessories are like spices—they enhance what's already there, but they can’t replace the foundation.

What truly shifts your experience is exploring your core desires—the deeper, often hidden dynamics that fuel your turn-on. This is the heart of Somatica® coaching.

(Read more about uncovering your core desires in this blog post.)

4. Invest in Skin-to-Skin & Heart-to-Heart Intimacy

Get close, without pressure for it to lead anywhere.

Attunement—the ability to sense and respond to each other’s emotional and physical cues—is the secret ingredient in great sex. It’s also something you can cultivate.

Nurture connection outside the bedroom, through touch, eye contact, and slow, present moments together. This creates the foundation for deeper eroticism, though the truth is, emotional connection alone will not necessarily spark desire for both of you.

You have to also invest in your sexual intimacy — learning what turns you both on, and how to co-create experience that awaken your core desires.

5. Resolve Unspoken Hurt

Resentment, grief, and mistrust don’t just disappear—they live in the body and can create blocks to intimacy.

The good news? You don’t have to resolve everything before reconnecting sexually. Making space to acknowledge unspoken feelings on a regular basis can create the safety needed for desire to return.

6. Embrace Conflict & Learn to Say No

Great sex requires boundaries.

Many people think conflict is a threat to intimacy, but in reality, avoiding it creates emotional distance. When both partners can express frustration, disappointment, or anger—and know it will be met with respect—it allows erotic energy to flow freely.

Your ability to say no is just as important as your ability to say yes. When you trust that both are honored, desire has space to grow.

7. Recognize Your Negative Cycles

Do you find yourselves stuck in the same fights—about housework, parenting, or intimacy?

Beneath these surface issues, there’s often a deeper emotional cycle playing out. When left unchecked, these patterns can drain passion from a relationship.

The first step to shifting them is simple: name the loop.

Even saying, “I think we’re getting stuck in our usual pattern—let’s slow down,” can help interrupt the cycle and create space for reconnection.

(Read more about breaking the cycle here.)

8. Focus on Sexual Communication, Not Just Technique

Great sex doesn’t just happen—it’s co-created.

Most of us weren’t taught how to talk about sex, but learning to communicate desires, boundaries, and feelings openly can transform your experience.

And no, this doesn’t have to "kill the mood"—in fact, when done well, it can heighten arousal and deepen intimacy.

9. Expand Your Definition of Sex

One of my favorite parts of coaching is helping couples step outside the narrow scripts they’ve been given about sex.

Many people assume they’re "bad at sex" or "not interested enough," when in reality, they’ve simply outgrown the limited version of sex they were taught.

It’s time to expand the menu.

Consider:

• How do you seduce, tease, and check for enthusiastic consent?

• How do you touch and speak to each other during sex?

• Have you explored fantasy, kink, or power dynamics?

• Have you explored the connection between sex and spirituality?

  
  

Ready to Explore?

The possibilities for deeper connection and greater pleasure are endless. Let’s get curious about what excites you—and create a sexual life that truly moves you from within.

Explore more about my work with women and couples as a sex and relationship coach, and my offerings here.