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The way we love is shaped long before our first romantic relationship. Deep in our nervous system, in the tender years of infancy, we begin to form a blueprint for connection—one that influences how we experience intimacy: what we long for, what we fear and avoid, and how we try to protect ourselves and our relationships under stress.
Our attachment style is not just a concept; it lives in our bodies, woven into the way we reach for closeness, the way we handle conflict, and the way we experience connection, both emotionally and sexually.
By understanding these patterns with compassion, we can tend to old wounds, and learn to cultivate the kind of love that feels nourishing, free and secure, no matter what background we come from.
What Is Attachment?
Attachment theory, first developed by British Psychologist John Bowlby, and later expanded by Developmental Psychologist Mary Ainsworth, explores how our early bonds with caregivers shape the way we connect in adult relationships. When we grow up with consistent, attuned care, we develop secure attachment—a felt sense of safety in love. But when love is inconsistent, absent, or overwhelming, we develop strategies to protect ourselves.
These strategies form different attachment styles, each reflecting a unique way of balancing our need for connection with our equally ingrained need for independence. While attachment styles are fluid and can shift over time, understanding your patterns can help you transform how you show up in love.
Today, we’re exploring the two most common insecure attachment styles—the avoidant and the anxious, also know as the island and the wave (more relatable terms coined by psychologist Dr. Stan Tatkin). These styles may seem opposites, but they are often drawn to each other, mirroring and activating each other’s deepest fears and desires.
The Island (Avoidant Attachment Style)
The person who identifies as an Island longs for connection but feels safest at a distance. If you resonate with this attachment style, intimacy may feel overwhelming at times, and you may have learned to rely on yourself rather than on others for emotional support.
Growing up, you may have experienced caregivers who were emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or inconsistent. Over time, you learned that vulnerability felt unsafe, and the best way to protect yourself was to withdraw—into your mind, your independence, your inner world.
How It Feels:
You may desire connection, but struggle to balance it with your deep need for space
You may feel emotionally numb or disconnected, especially when things get too intense
You may automatically shut down or withdraw when emotions rise high
You may want to run away or push back when you feel controlled or pressured
You may feel an unspoken loneliness, emptiness or sense of not being enough
How It Shows Up in Relationships:
You may pull away when a partner seeks closeness, criticizes or makes requests
You need a lot of alone time to process emotions (or try to get away from them)
You may struggle to express needs or rely on others for support
You may yearn for sex as a way of connecting, and feel rejected if your partner says no
Common Action Tendencies in Moments of Conflict:
Minimizing —framing problems as "not a big deal" or trying to "put things in proportion"
Withdrawing—emotionally or physically distancing when tension arises
Fighting back—defending independence and autonomy when feeling pressured
Pleasing —putting your needs to the side and trying to make your partner happy
Fixing —trying to find solutions, fixing and making things better
Intellectualizing—analyzing or leaning on logic rather than emotions to stay in control
Growing Edges for the Island: Beneath these actions tendencies, islands, just like waves, want to feel safe, connected and accepted for who the are, and their nervous system learned that this is how to do that. The path to growth for you is understanding the function of your protection tendencies, seeing how they impact your partner, and learning new moves as you deepen your connection with your own feelings and needs. When you gently lean into connection—reaching for support, sharing your vulnerability and honoring your limits—you begin to rewire your nervous system to give and receive love in a way that nourishes rather than depletes or threatens you.
The Wave (Anxious Attachment Style)
The Wave feels connection deeply and longs for steady love. If you resonate with this attachment style, you may crave reassurance and closeness, fearing that love is fragile and could be taken away at any moment.
As a child, you may have had caregivers who were sometimes available, sometimes distant—leaving you uncertain about whether love could be relied upon. This inconsistency created a deep longing for connection, along with a fear of abandonment.
How It Feels:
A strong, sometimes urgent desire for emotional closeness and reassurance
Worrying about whether your partner truly loves or desires you
Feeling too much, or broken at times, and at other times, totally justified in your feelings
A deep emotional hunger, sometimes overwhelming in its intensity
Feeling very anxious or preoccupied when a partner pulls away, or expresses doubt
How It Shows Up in Relationships:
You may seek lots of reassurance from a partner
You may feel emotionally reactive when sensing distance
You may struggle with trust and feel easily triggered by perceived rejection
You may fear your partner just doesn't care, or that you're not important to them
You may over give or abandon personal needs to maintain connection
Common Action Tendencies in Conflict:
Criticizing—pointing out what’s wrong as a way to get your partner to treat you better
Escalating—getting louder and making issues bigger when you feel unheard
Pushing—seeking more conversation, connection, or validation to feel more connected
Demanding—wanting immediate resolution, action or reassurance to calm anxiety
Withholding—holding back affection or positive feedback to show how hurt you are
Controlling—trying to influence how your partner responds to avoid feeling abandoned
Growing Edges for the Wave: Just like the island, the wave is caught in a dilemma - the more they try to get their needs for closeness met, the more distant their partner becomes. The path to growing is learning to anchor safety within yourself and bringing compassion to the part of you that experienced emotional abandonment in the past, so that you can reach for connection from a vulnerable, more resourced place, and choose partners who are available and willing to grow with you in this journey. Your emotions are real, your needs are valid, and you deserve care and connection. When you build internal security—soothing your nervous system, and caring for your inner child—you open up new pathways for intimacy with yourself and others.
A Path to Deeper, More Secure Love
Islands and Waves often find themselves drawn to each other—one seeking closeness, the other needing space. In this dynamic, both partners can feel misunderstood, caught in a push-pull of longing and retreat (read more here about how to break these negative cycles that are so common in relationships).
But attachment is not a fixed destiny. It is a pattern—a rhythm we have danced for years—that can be rewired with awareness, tenderness, and new choices.
Growth begins with self-compassion: understanding that the ways you protect yourself in love were once necessary, but they no longer have to define (or break) your relationships.
If you recognize yourself in these patterns, know this: You are not broken. You are wired for love. And with the right tools, support, and inner work, you can create relationships that feel deeply connected, safe, and alive.
If you are curious to explore attachment work through 1:1 or couples somatic coaching, please visit my site to learn more about how this work could support you.
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